it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
