I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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