I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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