i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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