Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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