Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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