if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
