You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
