I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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