it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
