I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
