no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
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I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
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Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
It's rum buckets o'clock
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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