the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
She needs sedatives and a leash
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
