woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
