She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
