Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
