can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
My ATM looks so different sober.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
