well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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