Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
