Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
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