Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
