apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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