I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
