I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
