i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
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Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
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I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
The air taste purple.
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