I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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