Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
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i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
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He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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