i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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