A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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