Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
