I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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