i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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