I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
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i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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