Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
