im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
