Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
