Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
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When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
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I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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