3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
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