you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
