I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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