Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
