i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
