Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
