if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize