Umm I'm too high to move.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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