she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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