Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood