I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Mom said you looked used
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
