...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.