I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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