The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Randomize