I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
