I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
