3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize