I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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