Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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