He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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