If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
