Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
