I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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