I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Randomize
