i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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