Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I am full of burrito and curiosity
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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