Hey man sorry I got all grabby
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
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You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
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In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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