your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
