In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
