If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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