You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
