I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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