Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
