I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize